


Strange Fits (of Passion)

by the_last_dillards



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Anatomical Differences, Bad Sex, Biological differences, Bottom Elim Garak, Cardassian Anatomy, Crack, Established Relationship, Humour, M/M, Sexual Incompatibility, body humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:08:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23266738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_last_dillards/pseuds/the_last_dillards
Summary: Having an alien lover isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. Our boys are determined to make things work one way or another.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 17
Kudos: 67





	Strange Fits (of Passion)

**Author's Note:**

> The anatomy used here is based on [Tinsnips’ Speculative Cardassian Reproductive Xenobiology](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1719479). This story is also strongly influenced by Tinsnip’s [A-Tisket A-Tasket](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1712309/chapters/3974047).

“Julian.”

Julian grunted in response. He hovered over Garak on the bed, neck bent to watch as he readjusted his angle of penetration. 

“Julian. Julian! Please, _stop._ ”

The doctor’s eyes were large with concern as he paused to look up. “I’m not hurting you, am I? The angle was off so I was just trying to-”

“My dear, the angle is fine. To put it simply, that unwieldy organ of yours is too long.”

His mouth shaped into an O of understanding. A crease formed along Julian’s forehead as his brows furrowed in thought, eyes flicking back and forth between Garak’s face and where he was still buried. “That does make sense, I suppose. I could feel I was hitting something. But then there was some give so I thought maybe-”

Garak lifted a hand to cup the cheek of this sweet, endearing fool. With an indulgent tone, he said, “I am very sure, my dear. You’re at my vrikar’l.”

“Virkarl? I’m not familiar with the term.”

Oh my. How to put this?

“I- There is- It stops and controls the passing of...certain..waste..products from the body.”

“...Like an arsehole?” 

“Please, there is no need to be crass!” 

For a doctor, his dear Julian could be very uncouth indeed.

“You never mentioned it before when we went over Cardassian anatomy. Am I wrong to assume that the virkarl is yet another poetic metaphor?”

“It is pronounced _vrikar’l_ , my dear, and it isn’t a scientific term, no.”

Julian mouthed the word to himself before continuing, “What does it translate to? No, wait, don’t tell me. Hmm…nature-y things do seem to be the popular theme. Perhaps mud wallow? Or! Or mine shaft! Dirt and nuggets abound!” 

Absolutely pleased with himself, Julian was. His face bore a smug smile that clearly said he thought he was being funny. Garak shifted somewhat uncomfortably under it. The doctor might be endearing, but he was still wedged far inside him, pushing up against rather sensitive, private parts and not moving. The only way to save face was by rolling his eyes.

“It most directly translates to _filthy passage_ and I’m sure there’s some other clinical word that can be used as well, but please, we are not children. Might we refrain from discussing such vulgarities?”

Julian leaned in over him conspiratorially, resting his weight on his elbows. “Ah, I see. Of course! Cardassians don’t poop! Or at least, not officially. Wouldn’t be seemly. Do you perhaps pass rainbows instead?”

Garak broke. “Doctor! Please. This is hardly the conversation to have while you’re still inside me.” 

Chastened, Julian leaned back out of his space. “You’re right. I’m sorry. We should be trying to figure this out. We could do some fingering to help stretch the muscle. Well, actually, my fingers don’t quite reach apparently since I’ve never gotten far enough to run up against you like this, but the replicator might have something we could use to-”

“Julian, _please_. Just pull out for now. This isn't working.” 

Julian slid out easily and flopped over on his back next to his lover, before sidling over to wrap an arm around him.

Taking in a breath and then letting it out slowly, Garak braced himself to explain. “I realize that the vrikar’l may be somewhat analogous to certain parts of yourself, but clearly I am not made the same way you are. You seem to enjoy having objects inserted there, but for me it feels, well, rather uncomfortable.” 

Apparently Julian’s experiences in the anal arts had prepared him for such conversations since he responded immediately with a guileless, “Oh, it’s perfectly normal for it to feel a bit like you’re defecating the first several times that you poke around up there!”

Garak blanched at the impropriety. 

Julian took no notice and continued with, “Takes a few times before the brain recognizes the sensations as different and then it starts feeling good. We can stop for today if you’d like, but maybe if we practiced a bit and got you loosened and more used to the sensation, we could try again?”

Well, that was rather presumptuous! Garak felt a surge of annoyance. Wasn’t this man supposed to be a doctor?

“ _Dearest_. I appreciate your enthusiasm but I don’t believe the experience will necessarily be the same for me as it is for you. For one thing, I don’t have any convenient glands for you to rub against up there. Secondly, it’s all rather..unclean. I would rather not suffer some sort of infection for your sake.”

“That might not need to be too much of a concern considering that’s the route by which you would normally-” 

He was cut off with a glare.

“And even so, should we somehow manage to fit the end of your overlong and oddly shaped prUt there, what would be the result? I’ve experienced firsthand the sort of repeated stabbing motions your species prefers to use to pleasure themselves. You’d barely be able to move before accidentally pulling out and having to maneuver yourself back in!”

Julian traced between the scales of Garak’s hip, eyes following along the valleys there. He bit his lip, and said, “Well, there is a sort of short and fast technique we could do that I learned from-”

“ _I don’t think so!_ You are being awfully insistent on this, my dear. Isn’t the so-called head of your prUt the most sensitive part, anyhow? Surely, you can still find pleasure even if you’re not in all the way.”

Julian shifted to rest his head on Garak’s shoulder, arm moving to wrap around his torso. “Look, Elim, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you. And I would be fine with not being able to go all the way in, only...”

“Only?” Garak didn’t like where this was going.

“Well, it’s just that you’re really rather loose compared to a Human design. Vaginas or rectums, they’re both very cylindrical but yours is a bit longer with your slit, not to mention that you’re designed for a much thicker Cardassian phallus. So while I can feel you around me, the stimulation just isn’t enough. I- I can’t get off like this.”

A murderous smile stretched across Garak’s face and his gaze darkened menacingly. With a mean laugh, he said, “Oh, _of course_. Of course! Yes, the first time I granted you the privilege of sticking your penis into me, it was _too cold_. Why, you couldn’t keep that skin covered rod of yours from going limp!” 

Julian removed both his arms from around Garak and sat up, frowning, but the Cardassian wasn’t done. 

“So, I acquiesced. I went through the trouble of closing up shop early to bask till I couldn’t stand letting my body temperature get any higher! All so that you could come home, jam your prUt into me, and complain that it’s too loose and not deep enough. And then! You have the gall to ask me to go further; compromising my last vestiges of comfort so that you can _try_ to find me worthy as a place to deposit your seed.”

Garak looked at the offending organ with distaste. It had long gone soft and limp by now, in that strange way Human phalluses did. Even shriveled as it was, the thing was longer than any Cardassian prUt Garak had seen. He had to wonder sometimes how his mind could possibly find such a strange set of genitals with so much extra wrinkly skin as wildly attractive as he did in the heat of passion.

Julian was incensed. “Well, what the hell do you want me to do? I can’t help that we’re built differently!” 

Garak didn’t answer, still glaring at the flaccid cock. Deflating, Julian sighed loudly and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, I want to make it good for you, Elim. Whether I come or not doesn’t really matter. I can always find some other way or just jerk off after. How about you tell me what you like and we can try again, okay? I promise I won’t overstep any boundaries.”

The earnest look Julian was giving him broke through Garak’s wall of disdain. He softened, relaxing marginally, and said, “A tempting offer. But I might as well admit that our differences have been causing some issues for me as well. To put it lightly, you’re not very thick, my dear. Especially not towards the base where it’s most important.”

Julian looked indignant. “I’m perfectly average for a Human!” 

Garak gave his penis another judgmental look before continuing on, “We’ve already established that we can’t manage the other way around. The same sorts of problems apply, albeit a fair amount more obvious. I’m much too wide to enter you fully and even if I weren’t, your buttocks prevent my irllun from getting anywhere close to you.” 

It was, in Garak’s opinion, a very poor setup. That Humans had to keep disposable cloths in the refresher because passings might catch on the skin and hair there never failed to confound. Unsanitary and absolutely ridiculous was what it was. (The fact that Julian had convinced him to stick his own perfectly good, clean fingers up there several times—and once even his own prUt—was not one he cared to think about.) But as much as Garak would love to voice the opinion, he was really rather done talking about such topics for the week (and possibly forever).

“Those sphincter muscles of yours also have a tendency to clench quite uncomfortably. Frankly, I don’t understand how your people manage to take pleasure in it. Cardassians certainly don’t have that ability.”

“Well, if we’re listing complaints, don’t forget that you can’t reach my prostate, Elim. Between being on the short side and ending in a small tip instead of a cockhead, you don’t come anywhere close.”

“Yes, well, I’m glad we’re agreed that that endeavor is a moot point for the both of us.”

There was a moment of silence before Julian filled in, “We could just keep using our hands and mouths like we’ve always done. Perhaps, maybe, we’re making this all out to be more important than it actually is. Anal sex or… or ajan sex, I guess. It’s rather silly to put so much emphasis on it. Some leftover cultural baggage from ancient societies that consider only reproductive sex as real sex, and everything else sodomy.”

“I wouldn’t be opposed. After all, we’ve both proven ourselves quite adept at such endeavors. You, in particular, have talent for managing to wrap your lips around my irllun. I would compliment you for having such a big mouth, my dear, but I fear you may take offense.”

Julian swatted at him and laughed. “Yeah, well, you’re not half bad at sucking cock yourself. You know how to put that silver tongue of yours to good use.”

He leaned back against the wall and ran a hand through Garak’s hair. The Cardassian rolled so that his head was pillowed on Julian’s stomach.

Garak sighed, “Hmm, I do still appreciate the feel of a prUt inside me though.”

“Well, we both come from warp capable species. Surely, we can figure _something_ out. Even...even if we have to replicate a couple of strap ons. And then, that gives us a different advantage. Whoever’s on bottom can have it whichever way they prefer,” Julian said.

Garak smirked and began feeling up one of Julian’s thigh muscles. “I suppose I better start doing those holosuite exercises then. All that thrusting.” He clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “So much extra effort.”

“I’ll have to make sure you don’t do too many exercises, or at least that you make up the calories at lunch. Wouldn't want you to burn off this lovely pudge.” Julian reached over to squeeze the little roll of fat at the bottom of Garak’s tummy, earning himself a glare. “What? I like it. But wasn’t there something else we were meant to be doing?” 

Julian shifted about till he was laying on his side next to Garak. He ran a hand down the Cardassian’s side till he reached the slit and pressed in with a wet sound. Garak shuddered at the fingers tracing circles across the soft inner wall. 

“I suppose I might as well eat this while it’s still warm.”

Shifting to widen his legs, Garak let out a soft hum. “I don’t know why you and your people need to call it that. The phrase is much more poetic in Kardasi.”

“Ah, then I will be pollinating your flower while it’s still warmed by the sun.”

“It always amazes me just how thoroughly Federation Standard manages to butcher a perfectly good metaphor.”

Adding another finger, “Well then, perhaps I could reword it. Instead of me eating you out, how about you’ll be feeding me. Will you please feed me? I’m starving, Garak. I’d love a warm meal. Won’t you provide for your mate?”

Garak shoved him playfully. “Incorrigible. Don’t you have a job to be doing?”

“Gladly.”

Julian pulled out his fingers, moving down until he was level with Garak’s seam. He took in a deep breath, savoring the scent of pheromones in air, before letting it out slowly, a hot brush of air over wet and swollen scale. He gave a couple of flat licks before running the tip of his tongue along and into the slit. Feeding more in, he gradually pressed closer until they were lip to lip.

Then suddenly, he was pulling away. Garak was only halfway successful in stifling a whine at being denied yet again. He glared as Julian announced, eyes bright and excited, “I’ve got an idea!”

The doctor went over to the closet, face still shining with fluids, and dug around inside until he returned, bearing one of his many sex toys. This one was shaped like a tentacle, smaller at the top and only slightly larger than a typical human’s girth at the bottom with a very slight S curve to it. 

Julian held it up proudly. “How do you feel about double penetration?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Well, I figure, if I’m not thick enough and you’re too loose, this might help to fill in that, um, empty space. Only if you want though. We don’t have to if you don't like the idea.”

Garak looked the dubious piece over. Humans did seem to have an unfortunate attraction to tentacles. “Well, I suppose I wouldn’t be adverse to trying. But another day. I’ve had enough starts and stops and I expect you to finish what you started down there. No more interruptions.”

But Julian was lost in thought again. He pressed a thumb over the tip of the dildo, circling it. “You know… if I were to really work on slowly stretching myself over time till I could take something even bigger than you are at the base, and then I give myself a relaxant over the sphincter so that it didn’t clench, I wonder if you might be able to slide in just that bit farther. ”

“My dear, unless I’ve seriously misunderstood human anatomy, would that not cause other problems? Certain issues of an inability to control certain..messes you might make?”

Julian grinned at his awkwardness. Garak could only hope that his doctor wouldn’t start trying to use this cultural inability to talk gracefully or bluntly about such topics against him in their debates. He knew it was in vain.

“I’ll have to do a cleanse the night before. That still leaves the issue of your tip being on the small side...Hmm, maybe I could design something that could slide onto your penis? Make it vibrate even. And if not, I mean, just the idea of you using me to get off is pretty hot.”

“Well, I suppose we will have to see when we get there. In the meantime, I have been waiting rather patiently.” He tapped the inside of his thigh impatiently.

Julian set the object down and crawled back into V of Garak’s legs, eyes on the prize. “Oh right.”

He was just about to lean down to share their own brand of cloacal kiss when Garak pulled his head up, a hand in his hair. “You will remember to wash up and drink citrus after? I don’t want to have to deal with you getting caustic burns again.”

“Oh, of course!”

Settling back down, Garak smoothed over his mate’s ruffled hair. Julian got to work. 

He did not remember.

**Author's Note:**

> Super big thanks to [DHW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DHW/works) for helping to sort this fic out and betaing for me! If you haven’t read DHW’s fics yet, go do that now!
> 
> The word _vrikar’l_ is from ConceptaDecency and her fic [Good, Giving, and Game](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14035614). It’s definition of ‘filthy passage’ was also provided by her.
> 
> The part about alternative phrases for being eaten out was inspired by [this tumblr post.](https://bottommemes.tumblr.com/post/188363741467/your-top-didnt-top-you-you-bottomed-your-top)
> 
> The title was inspired by the old DS9 zine [of the same name](https://web.archive.org/web/20040604182550/http://www.strangefits.com/sfop/archive/archive1.html) which in turn takes it’s name from a poem by William Wordsworth.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


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